I Thought It Was Apparent

This week's song is "I Am What I Am" by Dallas Holm. The song was released on his "Tell 'Em Again" album in 1978.

David Waters covered this song in 1979. I can find precisely one reference to David on the internet, a post on eBay. I like this version so much that I made a lyric video for sharing with this post.

I became a Christian in my teenage years. Like all good teenagers, I had it all figured out, or at least I just thought I had it all figured out, like all good teenagers. When I was twenty-one, I got married. That was the point when I had it all figured out, except that it wasn't. When I was pushing thirty, we had our first child. It was then that I realized I had nothing figured out and probably never would.

In my teen years, I realized that a man named Jesus hung on a cross to give me salvation. I gladly accepted. He gladly forgave me for all the shadowy things I had done. He demonstrated love and mercy while I demonstrated that I was a teenager. I read the Bible and found many comforting passages that showed me how to live a great Christian life.

I saw the Bible, God, and Jesus in a completely new light when I got married. Suddenly metaphors in the Bible about marriage made sense. I had known about them before, but now they were visceral. They were real. My wife demonstrated love and grace toward me, and I reciprocated. We were one. We echoed to each other what we had learned in our faith. As man and wife, we both understood Biblical principles and how they applied to our lives. God first, spouse second. Everything lined up. Except...

At this point, I thought it was apparent. I thought I understood a large portion of what the Bible meant. In many ways, I did, at least intellectually. Then at age 29, we had our first child. In so many ways, it proved I knew nothing. Do not get me wrong here. I was not just some moron or something. My entire worldview was affected. The way things looked changed. It was as if colors were more profound and more saturated. At the same time, I began to wonder if I would ever sleep again. Eventually, I turned to dad jokes as a coping mechanism.

Then I began to wake up. The Bible had a new meaning. I saw new things in there that I swear were just added. Philippians 2 began to gut me every time I read it. Jesus did not think holding on to his Godhood was as important as letting go of it to live a human life. To live, die and take on the world's weight – to be rejected by God himself – and be resurrected. I know it is a difficult story to believe for many people, but I have come to a point where I do not doubt it at all.

But wait. Where did these bits in the Bible come from about Father and Son? God the Father sent his son to suffer for all humanity? Madness. Wreckless. Who is to say that it would even work? You are telling me that God sent his son on a death mission for the CHANCE to save humankind with no guarantees.

As a father, this eviscerates me. I would do anything to protect my children. I can think of no situation that I would send a child off in such a manner. God's love is greater than mine. He saw that reconciliation was not achievable by any other method. Surely the sacrifices of the Old Testament fell short. No, the only way was for a new type of sacrifice. Someone to take my place. A lamb. A scapegoat. A ram waiting in the thick. Could I do the same? Could you?

God, it must have broke Your heart
To send Your Son away
Knowin' all the time
The final price He'd have to pay
Left His home in glory
And became a common man
And because He did, I am what I am

Now I am a man
And have a baby of my own
I wonder could I send my baby
Off and all alone
To help someone, somewhere, somehow
To set some captive free
Could I do the same for Him
Who did the same for me

Full Lyrics: https://genius.com/Dallas-holm-i-am-what-i-am-lyrics
Dallas Home Version: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MMK5PNbw3qM